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An organically-told deconstructed memoir in 365 Days. Soviet immigrant: From Donuts to Vodka.

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Heart on Fire … and on Me

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This is Flambeaux performing at the Slipper Room. 3.12.09

My version of Film Noir starring me.

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hearts everywhereMarch 14, 2009

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One of my 2018 highlights. I read 55 books - some audiobooks. It all counts. Hard to pick favorites; there were so many gems. Here is a list I randomly made up on the fly: . Favorite Memoir: Little Failure by Gary Shteyngart Favorite Chick Lit: Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty Favorite Overall: Us Against Them (Beartown 2) by Fredrik Backman Favorite Book Which Made Me Feel Smart: The Nix by Nathan Hill Most Inspirational Book: Educated by Tara Westover Favorite Mystery: The Wife Between Us by by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen Favorite YA: The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas Favorite To-Be-Movie Book: Eleanor Oliphant by Gail Honeyman Favorite Recommend to Others: The Reason You’re Alive by Matthew Quick Favorite Outside My Genre (Sci Fi-ish): Dark Matter by Favorite Immigrant Book: Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue Favorite Audiobook: The Hundred Year‑Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson . . . . . #AmReading #BookLovers #Bibliophile #GoodReads #Fiction #Nonfiction #memoir #WomensFiction #GreatReads #WhatToRead #BookWorld #PopBooks #bookstagram #EpicReads #BookAddict #BookNerd #read #reading

8s are my favorite but somehow the years ending in 8 present unique challenges. That's ok. It's all transition. The world keeps turning. Life keeps balancing on top of it and we hold on and enjoy the days we don't fall off. We jump and cry and hug and sleep and eat and do it all over again and sometimes we take photos to mark the passage of time. These are not all my favorite memories but definitely 9 glorious ones. Here's to a year ending in 9! . . . . . . #topnine #instagramtop9 #topnine2018 #2018 #happynewyear #top9of2018 #top9

Oh Brooklyn. I'm a little prejudiced against the borough. However, this drive over the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset yesterday BEFORE the sky turned blue, was gorgeous. . . . . . #brooklynbridge #sunset #bridge #bridgesunset #cityscape #citysunset #goodnightsun #nycsunset #newyorkcitysunset

These are the best lights in New York City! . . . . . #dykerheightschristmaslights #dykerheights #dykerheightslights #brooklynlights #holidaysinnyc #christmaslights🎄 #christmasinnyc #holidaylights

I do not like crowds. Or holidays. I am pretty much Scrooge McG. But... . I left that attitude on the other side of the bridge and embarked upon the area like it was Time's Square at New Year's, which turned out to be the exact attitude I needed to survive. . My first glimpse of the the tree actually took my breath away for a second before the sea of crowds overtook me like a wave. . The NYC windows did not disappoint - we walked a mile up Madison Ave rather than Fifth Ave and it was much calmer and more local NYC glamour. We thoroughly enjoyed our favorite Tiffany's where their blue and silver 80s-inspired robotic decor wins for best everything. . It was a memorable day and I'm very proud of myself for zero anxiety or panic. Happy holidays. . . . . . #holidaysinnyc #rockefellercenter #rockefeller #christmastree #tiffanyandco #fifthavenue #madisonavenue #nypalace #christmasinnyc #newyork #nyc

I’ve always thought of Delaware as a forgotten state, just two hours south of us. What is in the first state?! Well it is actually quite lovely especially alongside the Brandwine Trail where the Dupont’s made their trillions. . . . . . #delaware #newcastle #newcastledelaware #historica #usa #dupont #hagley #state #firststate #usatravel #dupontmansion #fall #husbandphotographer

My 16 year old and I met my husband on the same day, almost 14 years ago. My husband arrived as the children’s entertainer at the very first birthday party I ever took this boy to. The first thing I said to this stranger clown was, “My son is a nerd and he probably won’t watch you, but I will.” I was right. My son, sat in the corner playing with books and Legos while I sat enthralled in the front row watching the magic show. . What I didn’t realize is how much my son WAS REALLY WATCHING. He was absorbing – and eventually he was emulating and one day, he wasn’t a nerd at all. He was an ACTOR. (Nature versus nurture, folks is miraculous.) Not only was he an actor, he was passionate and in love with this craft in the way people who dream are supposed to be. . “What else could I possibly do?” he says to me. The boy who thinks physics and math are fun. The boy who takes a history class for fun. A boy who will research everything about moose because we said the word over dinner. . “You could be anything in this whole big wide universe,” I say to him. . And this is how our children teach us to be dreamers. And this is how they are our trampolines and our safety nets as much as we are theirs. . Fly, young thespian. I will always be the one clapping the loudest. (This is from last month’s production of Horace Mann’s “Rhinoceros,” (Eugene Ionesco) where Jake closed down the show in his stellar portrayal of Berenger. . . . . . #highschooltheater #highschoolactor #teenactor #actor #actorslife #onstage #theater #rhinoceros #play #highschoolplay #berenger #horacemann #hmtc #teenager #son #dreambigger #motherhood #amwriting #parenthood_moments

Murals of Philadelphia. . . . . . #murals #muralart #streetart #streetartphilly #phillymurals #philadelphia #philly #cityofbrotherlylove #streetsofphilly #streetsofphiladelphia #solotraveler #philadelphia #travelphotos #winterinphiladelphia #streetscenes

Streets, buildings, storefronts of Philadelphia. The history seemed to pour from every brick in Philadelphia. The cobblestone streets, the Ben Franklin sculptures, and the pride of our nation is on display in the city of brotherly love. . . . . . . #philadelphia #philly #cityofbrotherlylove #elfrethsalley #streetsofphilly #streetsofphiladelphia #solotraveler #philadelphia #travelphotos #winterinphiladelphia #streetscenes

It was the first time in eight years my husband and I spent the night apart. The teenager went to a conference in Philadelphia and my chaperoning responsibility entailed dropping him off each day and walking without destination or obligations for miles around this historic beautiful city. Holidays in Philadelphia are especially colorful and magical. . . . . . #philadelphia #philly #cityofbrotherlylove #holidaysinphilly #DilworthPark #DecktheHallLightShow #CityHall #PhiladelphiaCityHall #WinteratDilworthPark #ChristmasVillagePhiladelphia #ChristmasVillage #LovePark #streetsofphilly #streetsofphiladelphia #solotraveler #philadelphia #travelphotos #winterinphiladelphia #streetscenes

I saw a quote today that said, “you don’t need a time machine if you have a camera.” Flasback to the time we day tripped to Vermont from NYC, which sounded ambitious until I realized it was only 3 hours away. My husband has been tirelessly working on completing his 20+year project of capturing (at least) one city from every US state. Because of this, I have seen states like West Virginia and Ohio and Indiana and Wyoming (my favorite). The husband has seven states left in the project. A month ago we ticked off Bennington, Vermont of the list. Bennington in the fall was beyond quintessential with its covered bridges and the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen. . . . . . #TravelPhotography #USStates #FineArtPhotography #Vermont #Bennington #BenningtonVermont #CoveredBridges #SilkRoadBridge #PaperMillVillageBridge #HenryBridge #RobertFrostGrave #Cemetery #USAPhotography @Hammermania

Every few months I remember I have an Instagram account and search through thousands of photos on my phone for one worthy of posting. Photos don’t have expiration dates, it turns out so I can share a photo from a month ago, when nature exploded in colors and life around us. Now the trees are rough, icy branches but life is transition and the trees remind us. Here’s to riding out the barren and living to see the buds again soon. . . . . . #latergram #foliage #floraandfauna #trees #leaves #colors #lookup #naturephotos #autumn #fall #transition

At first glance, this is just a boy (?) in costume. But this is SO MUCH MORE. . This is Cosplay in all its glory - heart and soul. For this year’s Comicon, my son portrayed “Red,” a character from a niche game called “Transistor.” . To create this sword involved thousands of hours, hundreds of pieces, dozens of materials, and countless mistakes. Above all it took a SHIT-LOAD of PERSEVERANCE. I am so proud of him, despite how much I yelled and rolled my eyes and said “I told you so” when it didn’t work out. We went to Home Depot and Michaels and Staten Island and ordered from obscure Websites and had an unofficial consultation with a make up artist (stubble is not that easy to cover up) - all in the name of authenticity. He had a vision - and maybe it wasn’t flawless - but it was FULFILLED! The sword had LED lights and a speaker built inside. Oh and the feathers were hand glued one by one onto a sculpted wire collar they Macguyvered out of hangers and bleached old shirt collar. I was only responsible for the make up and the nails. AND THE DRIVING. There was so much driving. Feathers loving applied by @hammermania. . He never gave up - not even after we all yelled at him that IT WAS GOING TO FALL APART AFTER ONE MINUTE. It didn’t. It had some teeny tiny bang-ups, as could be expected with a six-foot weapon created out of A MILLION PIECES OF STUFF but the Gods sent an angel in the form of a Cosplay 911. People like this exist; a Cosplay Saint IRL. . You may say he’s a dreamer, but he’s not the only one… . . . . . . #nycc #comicon #cosplay #red #transistor #transistorgame #cosplay911 #nycc18 #cosplayersofinstagram #cosplayer #newyorkcomicon #coolmom #nerdmom #comicmom @newyorkcomiccon @snowjedi6 @_jarrett_brandon_

I play ALL the Broadway lotteries and I was so psyched to finally win one. It was last Wednesday; the penultimate Wednesday before TODAY’S OFFICIAL OCTOBER 3RD MEAN GIRLS WEDNESDAY. I was a week early, which is a first since I’m a lifelong late bloomer. Our lottery tix had us in center orchestra seats and the view was amazing. The show was fun; with very tight writing (appreciated Tina Fey more than ever) and the merch stand was one of my favorites of all times (except I still can’t afford much as I’m still paying off the Hamilton sweatshirt from two years ago - ha ha). . I didn’t have anything pink to wear other than a camisole I had to cover up with a black (blingy) sweater. But in my head, I was wearing pink on a Wednesday so CREDIT. . ALSO: Why is theater audience lighting so terrible for selfies? Listen up theater managers (who are not reading my posts): please create a lovely area to take our pictures so we can advertise your show for you - well lit! . Live theater is a passion of mine and I never take one single performance for granted. These artists leave their entire souls on the stage and the energy exuded is boundless. I can’t believe my son is growing into one of these joy spreaders; light igniters. Carry on, theater actor and actresses - we are here to appreciate, applaud and soak it all up. .

This dude and I walked six miles around Manhattan this weekend without kids, agenda, or destination. The planner in me was a tad anxious about the spontaneous day to nowhere but the quintessential NYC fall day made me forget all that. We saw dozens of murals, at least six bridges, and I took zero pictures so did it even happen? . The hubby snapped this one before we got in the car to go home. . . . . . #nyc #coupleselfie #newyorkcity #lowereastsidenyc #lowereastside #streetart #wander #nodestination

Brooklyn Bridge Park. From Domino Park to Brooklyn Bridge Park. Hipsters and love abounds. .

I’ve lived in NYC for 39 years, in 3 of the 5 boroughs and while Brooklyn has typically served as a surrogate home for Russian immigrants, my family never claimed the zip code. In fact, I’ve always kind of hated Brooklyn. . Whenever events have drawn me there over the years, the subway (or driving traffic) has been terrible. When we get there, something goes wrong; it just seems the sun never shone for me in the BK and because of it, I developed a strong distaste for the borough. . But I keep giving it a chance. I keep visiting new neighborhoods and wondering if it will suddenly reveal itself to me, in all its hipster glory. . This happened this weekend at Domino Park. It is so hipster chic. Volleyball and bocce with NYC views which leave your mouth agape. Even the lawn looked hyper colored. . I worried I wouldn’t fit in with all this hipster chic. I didn’t have a cool hat, sunnies, or rescue dog, but as my husband pointed out, I did have the requisite ripped jeans, colored hair, and scattering of body ink. I was getting there and the sun agreed. Everything looked hyper-real, in technicolor, almost like I was walking through a rendition of the park, rather than the park itself. . Oh yeah, that’s the old Domino Sugar factory they’re turning into apartments. .

Sunday in downtown New York City. There are not many days when we can just linger without a plan; mama and her cubs in the big city. I mean the big city is home, but still, exploring a neighborhood which is not ours (anymore) always offers a fresh perspective. . I was pregnant with the teenager on 9/11/2001 and the 8-year-old was born in downtown; blocks from the Freedom Tower. She watched it being built slowly, one story at a time. . Last year for her birthday we all went up to the Observation Tower. It was stunning, but I clung onto the walls for dear life because I’m terrified of heights. But that view; all of our glorious city on display. I felt like Mufasa, showing Simba his land for the first time. “You see, as far as there, that’s all NYC…” All the boroughs and parks and bridges were on display like a miniature Lego city. . Today was one of those days we’ll always remember because the skies were so blue and the sun was too warm on our bare legs and the kids jumped in front of freedom and we were grateful as hell.

There is so many things I see bursting from this photo. . I see my son full of joy, wonder, and delight. I can feel the joie de vivre emanating form the image. The sky opened up and rather than seek shelter, he wanted to dance. To celebrate the weather, the earth, and being alive. . I think he feels very alive at Buck’s Rock Performing Arts Camp. Maybe it’s because he was their Romeo. Maybe it’s because he became HIS (and her) Romeo. I’m vague and metaphorical; I’m a mother of a teenager. I’m allowed. . Being a teenager is hard; how do you ride the wave when the surf is unpredictable, the world is watching you, and HORMONES are rattling your insides into confusion. Being a good teenager is even harder. I recognize this; I remember this. I am eternally grateful for this. . Parenting is even harder than teen-aging. I know because I’ve done both and childbirth gives you the power to declare sweeping generalizations such as this. Just because we become parents does not mean we are perfect. We never stop growing as adults and all the situations are new and keep changing and we’re judged so damn hard and did anyone mention there are ZERO DAYS OFF? Like zero minutes really because once you’re a parent, your heart is off beating outside your body, making choices you may not agree with and interacting with other humans in the way you may or may not like, but it’s not up to us anymore. We released the krakens and now we witness their wrath. . The point of these words? I don’t know. Love. Empathize. Forgive. None of us are perfect and parents trying to live up to an ideal is virtually impossible. We think our kids deserve the world with a cherry on top and we often struggle to deliver it on a silver platter, and when we falter we think we’ve failed. . But we we think we’ve faltered but we haven’t. Sometimes we just leave the umbrella at home. . Carry on, young Padawan; keep dancing in the rain. You can handle these puddles (and mother’s metaphors).

This is what most of 365 blog posts printed double sided looks like. In total I wrote over 250,000 words; roughly the length of 4 novels. In 2016 I wrote and blogged an autobiographical story every. single day. . It was gut-wrenching, vulnerable, exhausting, exhilarating, infuriating, educational, and the biggest kick in the ass I ever chose to give myself. . After the 365 project, I froze. I crossed the finish line of my self-imposed writing marathon and lingered in an unsettled moment. As if I had jumped off the cliff and while I didn’t crash on the bottom, I didn’t float either. I lingered in a weird middle aged writers purgatory quandary. . I didn’t properly celebrate the project. Instead, I went off social media and did the opposite of the 365 project. . The second picture (swipe) is printed blog posts from 2017 and 2018. If you can’t tell, it’s about 170 pages. I still have to go through it and … WHAT? POST IT? Writers can relate to writers block - but can you relate to perfection paralysis so badly it backs up for years? Yes? Oh good. . I don’t struggle with content creation. I struggle with magically turning words into $$. This is the familiar artist’s plight and the cure for this is unknown but I’m not sure if a popularity contest on instagram is the way to go.

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