I found this site because I see hearts everywhere – LITERALLY! I came in search of what it all means or else to connect with humans who are experiencing this [not at all] phenomenon. At the very least you thought you’d find HEARTS. Instead, there are words, words, and more words. (Curses too!) Where are the hearts? I started this blog with the intention of … Continue reading Frequently Asked Questions
It occurred to me when searching my blog for information on my life last year (yes, this is occasionally the most efficient method) that I had gone 41 days without documenting my life in 2017 with the exception of my grandmother’s eulogy. A whole January passed and I gasped at how much happened and how much of it exists in the folds of my brain … Continue reading 41 Days Without Literal Documenation
My beloved aunt died on November 25th, and two days later I delivered my first eulogy at her funeral. Two months later, on January 25th, my grandmother died, a few weeks after a bad fall, at age 86. Here I was writing the second eulogy in two months. Only this time, I focused more on celebrating her life more than lamenting her death. Here is … Continue reading Baba’s Eulogy
“There have just been so many deaths this year,” I said to my therapist earlier this week as she tried to break me down and understand the root of my paralyzing fear of death. “There are so many deaths every year,” she said, dismissing my statement. “It’s no different.” Reflecting on the year, I’ve considered whether life seemed more intense because it was a leap … Continue reading “Mourning Celebrity Deaths” Club
There were just three days left in my 365 writing project and my daughter is home on winter break. My husband, off to work, suggests I put on a movie for her so I can write. He knows I feel the impending heat as I am inches away from typing an imaginary “the end” on a non-traditional manuscript in a category of its own: organically, … Continue reading “Be Here Now” Club
At today’s therapy session with my brain doctor, she tried to “break me down.” I felt like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting in the scene where Robin Williams, as his therapist, repeats “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault” until he broke down and cried. I didn’t break down and cry because it’s not near the end of the … Continue reading “Learning to Say ‘So What?’” Club
Sticky post
I’ve written about “Life Clubs” every day for the last 360 days. While some Life Clubs are joined voluntarily (Marriage Club, Motherhood Club, Tattoo Club), others are more like a military draft and you get inducted into the club whether you like it or not (Alcoholic Mother Club, Aunt Died Club, Apartment Got Flooded Club). The guiding principle for all Life Clubs is you join … Continue reading “Join the [Life] Club” Club
““Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.” I joke about how this tiny speech from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar is the only thing I ever memorized which … Continue reading “Not Fearing Death, Just Not Wanting It” Club
Eight is my favorite number, yet 2008 wasn’t so great. I had thyroid surgery in January, broke my knee in February, got audited in April, and lost my job in June. During 2016, another multiple of eight, every member of my immediate family landed in the emergency room, my mother was in the hospital twice, our apartment got flooded, a scary clown craze damaged our … Continue reading “2016: FOAD, but Thanks for Everything” Club
I don’t do holiday cards. I did once. No, twice. I feel the tug, though, as beautiful cards fill my mailbox. I desperately want to be part of the “Holiday Card” club, but find once again, my perfection paralysis prohibits me from playing at all. I’m chock full of ideas, but they usually involve hand making one of a kind cards, which doesn’t work well … Continue reading “I Don’t Do Holiday Cards” Club
With the new year upon us, marking another trip around the sun, collectively and symbolically we give ourselves permission to make a fresh start; renewed promises, redefined goals, refreshed perspectives. Somehow seeing the January 1st date, like a blank page, gives us a boost, the momentum we somehow lack the rest of the year. We can use any day to change our life, change our relationship, … Continue reading “Starting Anew” Club
For years after I got divorced, I didn’t think about the two boxes of wedding photos I left at my ex-husband’s apartment. Last year, a decade after I left the apartment, my Ex moved and asked me if I wanted the photos. One box contains the wedding square-shaped proofs and the other box contains the hand-printed photo album. Instinctively I said I’d take them thinking … Continue reading “I Kept My First Wedding Photos” Club
Earlier this year I watched a Dr. Oz segment where a psychiatrist suggested coping techniques for those of us who struggle with immediately jumping to Worst Case Scenario explanations. Occasionally I go there too soon, without justified reason and rile myself up unnecessarily. The psychiatrist offered this advice: instead of assuming the worst, think the opposite; assume just as extreme in the best case scenario. … Continue reading “It’s Not Always the Worst Case Scenario” Club
When I first got my first tattoo I didn’t have the same thoughts about ink as I have now. I was a carefree 20-something feeling slightly rebellious and wanted in on the “tattoo club.” I didn’t consider what my skin adornment would look like when I turn 50-something, 60-something, 70-something, or beyond if I’m lucky. IF you know me you might be surprised to hear my … Continue reading “Tattoo” Club
One of the things my ex-husband held hostage after our divorce, was the equivalent of a studio apartment of things we stored in his parents’ basement. I wasn’t interested in the old leather couches or my son’s baby clothes, but there were two small boxes containing some old journals, report cards, greeting cards, and other mementoes. I didn’t remember exactly what was in there, but … Continue reading “Rediscovering Memories” Club
Throughout my academic life, any grade I brought home shy of a 100 percent on a test or an A on a report card was questioned. My parents didn’t come from the “good job” school and rather were more of the “you performed just as expected” school. If I scored a 99% on an exam, my parents would inquire about the other 1%. Maybe it … Continue reading “I’m OK with a B Grade” Club
I am betting anyone with gold member status in this club is also a member of the “I Can Guess the Time Accurately Within Five Minutes Club” as well as the “I Don’t Like Crowds and Lines Club“. I’m horribly tortured by the notion of wasted time. I hear the clock as if it’s attached to a megaphone. It ticks louder for me than it does … Continue reading “Obsessed with Time” Club
2016 marked the first time in my life I made a new year’s resolution: to write an autobiographical essay every single day. From January 1st on, I envisioned this project as a tattoo and knew no matter what, I couldn’t stop in the middle. I simply didn’t allow for sentiments like “I want to…I hope to…I plan to…” There was only: “I will…” What I … Continue reading “Making Resolutions” Club
I’ve compared my daily writing challenge to marathon training, each day closer to completing my metaphoric 26.2-mile run. Today it dawned on me, though, how runners train all year and get to have a grand finale, the main event: the race. On the last day of my writing marathon, I will just have another essay. It won’t be my opus essay. It will simply be … Continue reading “I Write Every Day” Club
I have a few mental health challenges. I was born with generalized anxiety disorder which developed into panic disorder. Six years ago, the extreme morning sickness I experienced in my second pregnancy left me with a real condition called HG/PTSD and on top of it I have a mild (ha ha ha) case of hypochondria with a side of OCD which makes it hard to … Continue reading “Mental Health Challenges” Club
My best friend ghosted our friendship and our life is one of the unsettled rocks I carry in my heart. How can someone who was so close to me for so long just up and vanish? But I’ve done it too. Not as dramatically, but it’s easier to be the one doing the breaking up than the one getting broken up with. The friend I ghosted … Continue reading “I Ghosted a Friendship” Club
When my cousin called me this morning I was sure she wanted to discuss the Chanukah dinner we were tentatively planning for when my sister comes to town in two weeks. Turns out she was calling to tell my grandmother fell. The home health aid arrived in the morning as scheduled and when my grandmother didn’t answer the door, the aid called the agency, who … Continue reading “My Grandmother Fell” Club
I’ve always praised myself for being an extraordinary gift giver. From the time I was eight years old, I would save up my birthday and holiday money and use it to buy presents for my parents and sister. I valued the fact that it was MY OWN MONEY I was choosing to use to buy them something rather than myself. A martyr for no reason, … Continue reading “I’m a Good Gift-Giver” Club
Earlier this year I began watching one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance and realized they threw a monkey wrench in the traditional format, and in lieu of 18-30-year-olds, this was So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation featuring 8-13 years old dancers. Initially, I thought this would be great to watch with my six-year-old daughter who loves to dance, only I … Continue reading “Stage Mother” Club
Yesterday I used my new range for the first time. I cut up my onions, garlic, peppers, carrots, had water boiling for pasta, and began to use a second burner to sauté meticulously sliced and diced vegetables. Only I noticed when I turned on the second burner, the first one’s flame decreased by half. When I turned on the third burner, all three flames dwindled. … Continue reading “Not Worth Calling Customer Service” Club
If you told someone they would have to write 34 essays in a row, they might seem intimidated. Even a writer might break a sweat, but for me, 34 left seems doable, the almost home stretch. I am at mile 23.9 of a 26.2 marathon. Maybe I’m not relaxing, but I’m thinking beyond just finishing, I’m thinking of the type of finish. Obviously, I’m looking … Continue reading “Measure a Year in Words” Club
Grief is such that it lodges itself in your throat until you either have to swallow hard or cry it out. The problem with the crying route is it is like disengaging a cork which is clogging up a hole in a pipe, and when unplugged, a deluge explodes from within. Once you let one cry out, the others topple out uncontrollably. Crying only makes … Continue reading “Grieving” Club
I never wrote a eulogy before but have often thought about it, which doesn’t make me morbid since I have spent equal time pondering my Oscar acceptance speech. Tomorrow we bury my aunt and when they ask if anyone wants to say anything, I will feel the weight of eyes on me, the vocal one, and I will feel compelled to say something but I … Continue reading “Writing a Eulogy” Club
My father had called me at 1:30pm to tell me he was on his way to his sister’s house because the hospice nurse said based on her breathing, it would be a matter of hours. At 4pm he texted me, “she’s gone.” “She’s gone,” I read aloud to my husband who was tiling our kitchen wall, his hands covered in mastic. “Oh, I’m sorry babe,” … Continue reading “My Aunt Died” Club
“I’ll see you tomorrow at 2pm,” my father tells me, “but you never know what can happen. I keep waiting for the phone to ring and for him to tell me she’s dead.” My father is waiting for his sister to die. Her son is waiting for his mother to die. I am waiting for my aunt to die. You know the anticipation and anxiety … Continue reading “Waiting for Death” Club
I have several friends going through a divorce and several others floating in murky marriages. I’ve swum through these familiar rivers and felt like I was drowning but have definitely emerged less cynical and more hopeful, lucky to have found love (THE REAL DEAL) the second time around and witnessing the collapse of other marriages, I am grateful for second chances. Marriage has peaks and … Continue reading “Fell in Love” Club
As my tooth broke minutes before my son’s debut on stage, I froze in anticipation of the pain which I expected to come shooting through my jaw. Only no ache evolved because of my good fortune that the dental deities were on my side and the piece I chipped off turned out to be a cusp of my top wisdom tooth. My step-mom, who has … Continue reading “I Was Obsessed with My Childhood Dentist” Club
I was never one to give much weight or validity to an apology no matter how sincere. I am a proud Leo who has always struggled with apology and forgiveness. I work hard to do everything right all the time and my sense of virtue and justice hovers over me as an identifier. I’m aware I have to loosen up in terms of both. In … Continue reading “The Power of an Apology” Club
Do not trivialize the impact of getting (toxic, all natural, highly potent) soap in your eyes. It may not seem like a blatantly obvious essay topic, but if your eye has ever fallen victim to an unintentionally misdirected assault of soap, you would commiserate. I had meant to do a quick face wash before I drove my daughter to school this morning. I have been … Continue reading “I Got Soap in My Eye” Club
I’m the type to count my “didn’t do’s” rather than my “do’s.” I’ll faster point out the one item I didn’t cross off the list rather than the dozen I did. I have a pattern of minimizing successes and negating worth. The first month after I launched my 365 writing project, each essay I wrote felt like an arduous attempt; I cut my heart open … Continue reading “Queen of Self-Doubt” Club
Before I launched my 365-Day writing project, I came up with a 13-page (10 point font, 1.5-spaced) list of ideas. In the early days of the project, this numbered list guided me; I’d even used the strikethrough feature to cross out the topics I wrote about. As the year progressed and the calendar pages flipped faster than the leaves fell off the trees, I couldn’t keep … Continue reading “Life is My Writing Prompt” Club
I never appreciated the extent of how awful the idea of Daylight Saving’s Time really is until I had a baby. The authorities on time declare the main purpose of Daylight Saving Time (called “Summer Time” in many places in the world) is to make better use of daylight. I call bullshit on this whole operation. Once I understood the important impact a regularly scheduled … Continue reading “I Hate Daylight Saving’s Time” Club
I didn’t grow up in a religious home; I knew I was Jewish and knew it was important that I know that. Together with my parents, I came to America as a refugee from the former Soviet Union in 1979. The anti-semitism drove my parents out; they wanted to live in a country where their religion didn’t prevent them from going to college or getting … Continue reading “I’m a Jew Who Loves Christmas Songs” Club
When I first learned my son got a starring role in his first high school play, I was ecstatic. Not just because I was living vicariously through him, but because he had finally found something in which he felt not only did he excel, but he passionately enjoyed. After two months of intense rehearsal, I was an eager mama, armed with tickets for three of … Continue reading “My Son, The Theater Star” Club
If I ever thought my junk drawers were bad, they were Martha-Stewart level pristine compared to my father’s quarter century’s worth of tools, messily shoved into two unorganized plastic tool boxes and one cardboard box – with no systematic approach. This year on his birthday, he was at a nine-level stress factor, with his sister just entering hospice and him in the midst of helping … Continue reading “I Organized My Father’s Tools” Club
We were en route to see my son’s debut in his high school play. We had been in the car for two hours, having just dropped off our 6-year-old daughter with my dad, and in lieu of lunch were eating popcorn, peanut M&Ms, and soda. I had left plenty of time but the late Friday afternoon traffic surprised us. I panicked about being late and … Continue reading “I Broke My Tooth” Club
There are several days a year when I ask my husband to play “Bring your wife to work day.” Some days I do it out of convenience and other days I do it because I need a reminder about what matters most. On these days, I go to work with him as a hospital clown, where I will suspend reality for an hour and jump … Continue reading “Bring Your Wife to Work” Club
This morning’s Election Day Hangover rhetoric included the omnipresent, “What do we tell the children?” My daughter woke up 6 AM, walked into my room, tapped me on the shoulder and said: “Who won?” “Trump,” I said. She grabbed her hand on top of her head and said “Oy vey! Now, what?” “Don’t worry love, we will be OK,” I said. She stood there quietly, … Continue reading “What Do We Tell the Children?” Club
I knew this would be a day to which I’d reflect in a “where were you when…” kind of way. As I walked down the crunchy brown leaf-lined street on this quintessential fall election day, it was unseasonably warm, and the sun cranked up the saturation on the remaining autumnal leaves. Either way, today would be emotional, historic, and memorable. My 14-year-old son asked if … Continue reading “I Voted” Club
I feel too young to hear myself say it, but as I drove to pick my son up from play rehearsal at 7:30pm (gasp!) from HIGH SCHOOL (double gasp!) I inhaled deeply as I pulled off the exit and exhaled loudly, as my mind, obviously plagued by too many Hallmark cards, commercials, and TV movies, thought, “Wasn’t it just yesterday that my father was picking … Continue reading “Wasn’t It Just Yesterday?” Club
Today I locked myself in my master bedroom for an hour. I did this about fifteen minutes after going on a tirade to my husband on the phone, touting how well we’d be equipped if there should be an Armageddon or Apocalypse (I get those two confused). I brought up our friends as a contrary example; they eat out every single meal and need to … Continue reading “I Locked Myself In” Club
I can blame PMS or I can simply take accountability for being a mega-bitch who is never satisfied with anything. The song Satisfied from Hamilton: The Musical could be written about me (without the Alexander Hamilton part). I researched and made decisions about things I never thought about (toilets, tiles, grout) and I measured everything which needed to be measured. The deliveries happened and for these … Continue reading “I Can Never Be Satisfied” Club
I pass a series of crossing guards on my way to pick up my daughter from school, each one as unique as a Crayola color. The first one up is a short, bald Russian man, about 75 years old with a thick accent. He shakes his head in disdain at anyone who will serve as a forced audience. He complains about teenagers not stopping for … Continue reading “I Know My Crossing Guards” Club
I hadn’t planned on watching the World Series because I’m not much of a sports fan, especially for non-local teams. When it was the New York Mets versus the Kansas City Royals (my husband’s home team) we participated in the spectatorship of the pop cultural phenomenon. Growing up, we didn’t watch sports on TV and didn’t really root for any teams. My father only liked … Continue reading “I Watched the World Series” Club
Over the last two months, I’ve declined from having no fashion sense to an all-time low: renovation style. This means I’ve rotated between three different pairs of paint-stained leggings with coordinating paint-smeared camisoles and one of two gray sweatshirts, which look almost identical. There have been about five various social functions of different degrees of formalness, from large family dinners to children’s birthday parties to … Continue reading “I’m in a Renovation Style Slump” Club
HeartsEverywhere 