I haven’t blogged in over a year. I just got annoyed at the whole internet, at social networking, at sharing my life with anyone. I just got disinterested. I wanted my life to myself; a private celebrity if only in my own mind, wearing a baseball hat and sunglasses and avoiding the media.
I hated my blog; every single thing about it. I was in a new head place, and instead of celebrating the technological journal I’d created that documented a [special and critical] period of my life, I was disgusted at its existence. I avoided visiting it, updating it, or telling anyone about it. When people asked about it, I waved them away and laughed it off.
Andrew said I should start updating my blog again; said it was a good habit and gave me a bit of sanity that I was otherwise lacking. I never stop thinking and those electrical shocks constantly exploding in my head are usually only grounded when I have the opportunity to write it down.
Over the last year I’ve had more to write about than ever. Was homeless, bought an apartment, lived for 3 months in the basement of my dad’s townhouse in Staten Island. Had one of those horrible renovations and ended up in court with the contractor. One of us had their license suspended (not me) in error. During our 3 months without an official address in the forgotten borough, I clocked over 100 hours driving my son to and from school in Riverdale. I read the first 5 books of Harry Potter. My son was amazing; my baby was becoming such a big girl – first words, first steps, first songs, first dances … but I didn’t want to blog about it.
I didn’t want to visit Facebook or tweet my actions. I wanted my family to myself – I didn’t want to share them with the other side of the keyboard. No one would appreciate them as much and I just didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore.
I kept writing – but I wouldn’t publish it anymore. Who cared? I did, I guess.
Everyday that went by without my blog being updated kind of felt like I bought a gym membership but never went; a Groupon unredeemed. After months I finally went online to see if the blog was even still there. The previous background of notebook paper was now replaced by a tiled image of question marks. Wasn’t that ironic … or appropriate? Blogger was inadvertently talking to me? My one year old, over my shoulder saw the question marks and started saying, “Mystery Mouse-ka-tool.” Talk about a mystery.
So I wrote this “post” not to justify or make excuses, but just for me to see – when I stopped; where I stopped; why I stopped …