“Non-Traditional Exercise” Club

I have always believed non-traditional exercise had a higher success rate at pleasure secretions in my brain than running or walking up an invisible staircase. As far as endorphins and their correlation to exercise; sex seems to satisfy two birds with one bush. Or something like that.

Here are my Top 5 “Non-Traditional” Exercises:

  • Braiding my hair. I compulsively braid my hair while I’m reading, watching TV, at the movies. I will make a French braid and then I will untangle it and start over, this time on the side, Elsa-style. Then I’ll make Caribbean style tiny braids all over my scalp and take those out. I call this hair doodling and it’s how I channel my fidget habit. Try keeping your arms elevated behind your head for two hours. Feel the burn…and keep going. Great cut bicep results without getting off the couch.
  • Chopping. With a heavy chef’s knife, I spend about an hour chopping every night. My family indulges in a primarily plant-based diet (also helps if you’re lazy with exercise) and this means I cook most of our meals from scratch. This precise bicep and triceps movement is the pilates of arms. Successful command of the knife will cut those biceps with miraculous accuracy.
  • Laundry. I’m an admitted procrastinator with the laundry and because I let it build up, I end up doing at least 8 loads at a time. This serious lugging of a Santa-like bag over my shoulder has given my back muscle definition far beyond what I achieved with the gym contraption where you pull the bar behind your head.
  • Washing the floor. We have beautiful wide-plank wooden floors and I insist they stay clean. We walk around barefoot and track those feet in our clean beds. None of those Swiffer apparatuses ever worked. I clean my floors the old-fashioned way, on my hands and knees. This is equivalent to 1,800 feet of lunges and squats. This is also my go-to panic attack soother, so if my floors are dirty, you know life is good.
  • Sex. As much as possible, as often as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat. Be happy. Laugh together. Love together. Exercise and collect endorphins together. Getting off the couch, also optional.

There’s scientific evidence that suggests “short but frequent bouts of exercise can yield plenty of health benefits.” Finally, the biologically-based explanation I needed to justify my eternal abandonment of the gym. Forget “wax on, wax off” and “paint the fence,” my patented Mr. Miyagi-style exercise plan has done wonders for my Madonna-like biceps and my illusion of abs. The best part of non-traditional exercise is I never have to add it as another item on my “things to do list.”

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5 thoughts on ““Non-Traditional Exercise” Club

  1. Awesome! I love the not adding things on to do list part too. I can’t believe you enjoy spending so much time braiding your hair. I can’t stand to do mine and my arms are on fire after 10 minutes!
    I would say my inadvertent exercises are:
    – Food. Making food, washing up the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, squatting down to get pots, getting up the step ladder to get items, etc.
    – Spring cleaning. I am always decluttering/organising/sorting through something or other, and I tend to pull everything out and put things back fresh one by one. A “I’ll just go down to the garage to grab the fan” trip turns out to be a 3 hour long reorganising session.
    – Groceries. I leave it until we are absolutely out of every possible staple, and then I do massive runs to 6 shops at a time. This is hours of walking, moving around, hauling things to the car, hauling things up 3 flights of stairs, unpacking it all, and THEN we’re back to Food 🙂

  2. Hilarious! Yes grocery shopping! We go to Costco here, which is a wear house and I should have totally included that walking! The crazy thing about braids is that I never actually wear braids! It’s my fidgeting /doodling.

  3. Pingback: “I’m Team Paper” Club – HeartsEverywhere

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