Having two children at two different schools in two different states means I’m doing a lot of driving. Living next to the busiest bridge in the country, my many hours in the car is often accompanied by intense traffic and angry, frustrated drivers. I use my horn often, but not to be a bully, just to communicate. Often, though I’m misunderstood and occasionally even pursued … Continue reading “I Use My Horn” Club
I was impressed early on with my young son’s insatiable curiosity for facts. He was interested in learning about anything anyone would tell him: magnets, fishing, guitars, but he never cared much about hearing about people’s lives, which is a complete disparity to me, who is fascinated by humanity and its drama. When this school year began, I asked my newly freshman son about some … Continue reading “I Love Facts” Club
I swore I’d never be one of those moms who over-scheduled her kids (as much for my sanity as for theirs) and I’ve honored this commitment until this year when it seems as the children get older, their activities multiply like dust. Without engaging in much, my week filled with cross country track, crew, and theater for the high schooler and musical theater, piano, and … Continue reading “Motherhood Revised My Resume” Club
I sent an email to an old acquaintance today and began it with the phrase, “I don’t know if you remember me but…” The rest of the email was irrelevant because that sentence plagued me for the rest of the day. I was frustrated at myself for beginning a correspondence in such an insecure way. I imagined every social behavior coach would shake their heads … Continue reading “Am I Memorable?” Club
I apologize to the millions of couples with infertility issues who may inadvertently read this. This is not your club and though I would not want to join yours, I offer sincere empathy. This is about my perpetual pregnancy paranoia. I am blessed with textbook periods; arriving like clockwork every 28 days. I have two children and I knew the exact day both were conceived. However, … Continue reading “Paranoid of Pregnancy” Club
When we moved into our apartment five years ago, we did a hefty remodel. We ripped out and reinstalled 1,800 square feet of hardwood floor, moved around three walls, removed the popcorn (and asbestos) off our ceiling, and changed out 13 closet doors. The contractor we selected had two things going for him: he came as a referral from a trusty source and he gave … Continue reading “Dealing with Contractors” Club
I only ever once had a butt dial disaster, because that’s as many times as it takes to teach you the ultimate lesson. Post butt dial disaster, I am perpetually paranoid my phone stays locked. The butt dial story was epic with eternal consequences. My mother-in-law was in town for my daughter’s second birthday party. Since our daughter’s birth, there had been a lot pent … Continue reading “Butt Dialed” Club
When my apartment got flooded a few weeks ago on an early Tuesday morning, a group of workers showed up from a cleaning and restoration company. I hadn’t even known of this kind of company existed since this was my first foray into the “Flooded Club.” My reaction to the flood was denial (“this isn’t so bad”), delusion (“I can blot this with paper towels … Continue reading When the Workers Hit on Me” Club”
When the first “Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook” came out, my husband and I noted them in a bookstore and I joked how I’m thankful I’m not one of those people; they are awful! My husband chuckled and promptly wiped the rose off of my glasses, faced me into a mirror and said, “You are the epitome of a worst case scenario person.” Gasp. Who me? … Continue reading “Worst-Case Scenario” Club
The French philosopher, Michel de Montaigne, born in 1533, was an intellectual who spent his writing life knocking the arrogance of intellectuals. In his great masterpiece, the Essays, he comes across as relentlessly wise and intelligent – and funny. Most poignantly he said, “Kings and philosophers shit, and so do ladies.” (Incidentally, we need a modern day moderate feminist to write a similar line about … Continue reading “I Don’t Poop in Public Bathrooms” Club
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in a hurry. I thought the constant hustle came from living in New York City, but I think it comes from within – and from my parents. My father drove fast and hated bad (READ: slow) drivers. We always had to “hurry up” to get to wherever it was we were going to make sure to avoid … Continue reading “I’m Always in a Hurry” Club
One of the concepts (and there are MANY) from My Big Fat Greek Wedding which I relate to is the father’s obsession with the ubiquitous usage of Windex as a one size fits all medical solution. My Russian father similarly resorted to his go-to resolution to remedy many health ailments: RUBBING ALCOHOL. If I got a bite, a scratch, a rash, a pimple, the solution … Continue reading “One Size Fits All Medical Solutions” Club
I’m not a social media over-poster. In fact, after a two week trip to Hawaii, I only posted 69 of my 2,000+ photos to Facebook or Instagram. It’s not the photos I’m over-sharing; it’s my words. On Tuesday I woke up to a small flood in my apartment and on Tuesday night I wrote my blog post about it. On Wednesday I went to traffic … Continue reading “I Over-Share” Club
I didn’t grow up watching cartoons, even though I came to America at the prime cartoon watching age of five. In the Soviet Union I had watched Cheburashka (according to my parents) and even though I can still hum along to the theme song as intuitively as to a lifelong lullaby, I don’t have a sense of nostalgia towards the animated show. In America, Tom … Continue reading “I Don’t Like Cartoons” Club
Growing up the only road trip my immediate family of four ever went on was to Orlando Florida, from Queens New York. My grandparents had given my parents money to take a vacation to Disney World for my 10th birthday and their 11 year wedding anniversary. My parents loaded up our silver Cutlass Supreme and created a pseudo-bed in the backseat by filling the area … Continue reading “Taking Road Trips with the Kids” Club
I’ve been to Hawaii three times, St. Martin, three times, Tulum, two times, and there’s more. I’ve been to Disney World five times, I’ve been to the South of France three times and Paris three times. I’ve been to London twice and California dozens of times. I’m not alone in my revisit-itis. When I was 15 and 16, on consecutive years, my mother took my … Continue reading “Revisiting the Same Vacation Spots” Club
Rushing through Times Square a few weeks ago, a promotional van for Zoolander 2 caught my eye. They were taking photos and printing them onto froth foam, creating headshot-worthy lattes and as if free java with your face on it isn’t enough, they gave me a bonus selfie stick! I have made fun of the ridiculous looking tool ever since they invaded my Wall Street … Continue reading “I Don’t Selfie Stick” Club
I earned a special set of MILF stripes a few days later, doing laundry on the 7th floor (I use more than one floor), I run into Matthew’s father. Tall and jovial like his sun, he is eager to chat as I’m carrying my laundry up one floor and when we both get off at 7th, me to use the machines, him to go home, … Continue reading “I’m a MILF” Club – Part 2
It’s funny to think we’ll be eternally grateful for the American Pie movie series for introducing the term, MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) into the mainstream lexicon. I’m not being presumptuous by declaring myself a member because it’s clearly up to another person to declare you a MILF, the criteria being someone else has to want to fuck you. Lucky for me, I was … Continue reading “I’m a MILF” Club – Part 1
I’m not generalizing, (I kind of am), but I can bet that at some point if you ever had a boyfriend, and he ever had friends, the likelihood that said friends would hit on you is very high. Like probably. Probably definitely. Most of the time it is completely harmless and can even be flattering, am I right ladies? A boyfriend’s friend hits on you … Continue reading “My Boyfriend’s Friends Hit on Me” Club
It’s arguably easier for a man to urinate whenever the need arises than a woman. While I’ve always been a gold-card toting member of the “When I gotta go, I’ll go anywhere Club,” my husband has peed all over the streets of New York City, on the Great Lawn and Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park, on hikes in Hawaii, in the ocean (like the rest … Continue reading “I Pee Anywhere” Club
Aside from EVERYTHING related to the challenge of writing every single day this year for my self-imposed challenge, one of the biggest hurdles has been allowing for my apartment to get messy. I knew this would be part of the deal. I knew I would have to prioritize writing over dishes, writing over vacuuming, writing over a clean toilet. I am not clinically OCD about … Continue reading “I Abandoned My Obsession With A Clean House (For Now)” Club
Somehow whenever I plan a vacation, life makes me work extra hard the week before I go to really earn it. (As if writing every day for 182 days doesn’t earn me some mental detachment on the sand of a beach on an island in the middle of the Pacific). We’ve planned this trip for 10 months or 9 years, however, you want to look … Continue reading “Chaos Before Vacation” Club
When I was young and had a stomachache or a headache or my leg hurt, my father had a healing technique. He would clap his hands together Mr. Miyagi style, rub them together to create a magical heat and apply it deliberately to my affected area, closing his eyes. While he did it, he demanded silence and I had to believe it was working. I … Continue reading “My Husband Has Healing Powers” Club
I sat on my balcony typing away furiously trying to get on top of my project before our two-week vacation. I had my red composition notebook nearby filled with printed half-stories and two handwritten pages. On the handwritten pages were 40 titles for articles I would write. It was the cheat sheet I had created for myself to get me through this week of writing … Continue reading “I Watched My Dreams Fly Away” Club
For our wedding ceremony last year my husband and used e.e. cummings’ poem, “i carry your heart with me” as our vows. My husband is a poetry lover and I am still working on its appreciation, even though I’ve tried for three decades. The truth is I agreed to this poem because I really heard it in the movie, In Her Shoes with Cameron Diaz … Continue reading “I Don’t Do Returns” Club
I’ve loved to travel for as long as I can remember. The summer after 10th grade I spent in the South of France and Paris; after college, I backpacked through 20 countries in Western Europe and this past decade I’ve followed my photographer husband around 40 of the 50 United States. I have never taken the easy way towards travel either. I’ve seen those “package … Continue reading “I Plan Vacations & Want to Cancel Them” Club
I’m a procrastinator and I better write right now. Just as soon as I put in this load of laundry. I’ll have 45 minutes while the washer does its work for me to have a block of uninterrupted writing time. After I loaded six machines, I went for a quick cup of coffee in the kitchen and noticed the terrible mess on the kitchen floor. … Continue reading “I’m a Procrastinator” Club
I didn’t do my own laundry until I went to college. Even then, armed with 30 pairs of underwear, I would rather spend four hours in a car from Boston to Staten Island to drop off a month’s worth of laundry with my mother. Americans have over complicated the laundering of clothing. There are too many rules! Apparently those itchy tags on the inner side … Continue reading “I’m a Laundry Rebel” Club
One of the beauties of being a writer is the convenience of a virtual office anywhere, everywhere. Since embarking on my “365 Life Clubs Project,” life hasn’t slowed down to accommodate my daily obligation to whip out an essay and post it for a universal critique. In the last 158 days, I’ve found myself writing wherever I’ve had the opportunity. Twice I’ve written at the … Continue reading “I Write at Starbucks” Club
Last week on a walk through New York’s Rockefeller Center, home of NBC, I stumbled upon a live broadcast of Access Hollywood. Arianna Huffington was the guest and she promoted her book and discussed two of my favorite things, sleep, and sex. The dormant rebel in me thought, “I could wave my hands in the air in the background” or “I could hold up a … Continue reading “I Always Thought I’d Be…” Club
My husband is a unique brand of celebrity: he is a rock star to children! As one of New York City’s most popular professional clowns, his name elicits Justin Bieber-worthy teenybopper screaming reactions. “Looney Lenny! Looney Lenny!” From three-year-olds to ten-year-olds are the true die-hard set. These are the ones who come out whenever he’s performing, like mini followers of the Grateful Dead, only they’re … Continue reading “My Husband is a Celebrity” Club
This morning, for the first time in 41 years, I slammed the door on my finger. On a scale of one to ten, it was a seven-point-five. Running it under cold water only made it the pain come in bursts and I was certain a nerve had been severed because the finger throbbed all morning. I’m not sure if human digits are designed to withstand … Continue reading “I’m Affected by Mercury in Retrograde” Club
My bathroom renovation evolved into the perfect metaphor for life. The renovation plan seemed simple enough; just a small bathroom, nothing major. No real organs would be touched; this was mostly a cosmetic procedure. We did extensive research, educated ourselves on protocols and materials, and always followed the mantra, “measure twice, cut once.” We gathered our supplies at Lowes and came home gung-ho, excited to … Continue reading “My Renovation Took a Detour” Club
At 19, I remember a precise moment when I felt I had a grip on this life thing. Somehow I thought I had matured to this ripe age, where I could function as a grown up in society. I was attending NYU and my parents didn’t want to pay for me to live in the dorm because they believed we lived close enough for me … Continue reading “I Moved in with My First Boyfriend” Club
On our drive down for a weekend visit to Philadelphia, I said out loud to my car witnesses, “The only famous person I know in Philadelphia is Jennifer Weiner.” “Who’s that?” My 14-year-old son asked. He hasn’t had the benefit of jumping into her stories, engaging with her thoughtful, well-rounded, intelligent characters. “She’s one of your mom’s favorite writers,” my husband chimes in. “She wants … Continue reading “I Met My Favorite Writer” Club
The gray wiry hairs crept into my dark mane slowly from the temples, combining to create a spray painted white look when my wore my hair in a ponytail. I would not be one to gray gracefully; I would cover up my mortality reminder. Following my immigrant, practical instincts, I tried the box dye which resulted in a brassy-diarrhea look. Instead of “washing that gray … Continue reading “I Dye My Hair” Club
I have always believed non-traditional exercise had a higher success rate at pleasure secretions in my brain than running or walking up an invisible staircase. As far as endorphins and their correlation to exercise; sex seems to satisfy two birds with one bush. Or something like that. Here are my Top 5 “Non-Traditional” Exercises: Braiding my hair. I compulsively braid my hair while I’m reading, … Continue reading “Non-Traditional Exercise” Club
The first time I brought my husband (then boyfriend) to meet my father in Staten Island I was anxious about being on time. My father appreciated and demanded promptness; it coursed through his Russian blood, and it wasn’t just from his two years in the Soviet army. I was brought up respecting the clock and to value our ever fleeting minutes. To this day, I … Continue reading “My Husband Is Always Late” Club
Last night my five-year-old daughter came out after we tucked her in for some familiar bedtime shenanigans. My husband and I are natural night owls who can understand her tug towards wanting to stay up. Who wants to go go to bed when mommy and daddy clearly throw a party every night after she goes to bed? Her excuse this night was, “I’m just so … Continue reading “I Recognize Myself in My Daughter” Club
There should be a term which describes the following phenomenon: your car has been making worrisome noises intermittently, and when you get frustrated enough to bring it to the mechanic, it miraculously ceases making any suspicious sounds. You rev the car, you drive it around the block, you take it on the highway, you hit the brakes super hard, and still no noise. Is there … Continue reading “Anti-Murphy’s Law” Club
In Russian are two words for ass, but they are modifications of one another. One is pronounced “paw-pa” and the other is pronounced “zj-awpa.” That first one is like “tush,” the second one is like “ass.” My house was a pure “zj-awpa” house, but my cousin was purely a “paw-pa” family and whenever we got together, I always used the wrong word for ass. I loved … Continue reading “I Curse – Proudly” Club
For better or for worse, I’ve embraced my Eastern European gift of hairiness. In fact, my relationship and consequent confrontation with hair on varying terrains across my body has definitely earned me gold membership into this special club. It’s a love hate relationship really. I love that my healthy hair grows fast and thick, but obviously the problem is said hair does not remain on … Continue reading “I’m a Medium-Degree Hairy Woman” Club
Every mother has mommyisms. These phrases are typically derived from life experiences and hand-me-downs from their own mothers. Here are some Soviet-inspired nuggets I got from my mom: You can never be too rich or too thin. Only prostitutes wear anklets. If you have a gap between your legs, you’re a whore. If you’re a pretty secretary, then you’re a “secretutka” (a word formed by … Continue reading “I’m More Like My Mother Than I Thought” Club
There’s a photo of me at 10-months-old, bundled-up, Russian style, propped up in my Seventies plaid pram. I’m being guarded by a large German Shepherd named Alfeek. He was the first dog in my life and I don’t remember him but suspect he scarred me in some traumatic way, because until the age of 12, I had a terrible fear of dogs. My 12th birthday … Continue reading “I Got Bit by a Dog” Club
I’m a 41-year-old writer and I just joined Instagram. This confession feels akin to a modern midlife crisis, only instead of a new red Porsche, I’m posting selfies and photos of my cats. Stop me while I’m ahead. I admit I’m a bit of a late bloomer, there were only 300 MILLION others who did it before me. I am, by no way morally opposed … Continue reading “Instagram is My Midlife Crisis” Club
AKA Pubescent Problems on the Potty I spent 15 years in the corporate world in various forms of advertising playing with fancy office stuff. But none of that matters; that’s as ancient history as the 6th grade dance as far as my kids are concerned. I’ve been working from home since my daughter was born five years ago. Last year in preschool, she was asked … Continue reading “I Stopped Cleaning Toilets” Club
I was 11 years old and I was the one in my family responsible for calling Russia. In 1985 we had just moved to Staten Island; we were in our ivory-wallpapered living room, on the taupe leather couches. The house was immaculate with its modern window treatments and cream-colored carpet. It hadn’t yet been soiled by the mastiff’s muddy footprints or by the stench of … Continue reading “I Called Russia in 1985” Club
I was a mature 10-year-old and my younger sister, Reena was only three when we were enjoying all the glories of new immigrant life in the Housing Projects of Queens. Aside from the male jogger who hung upside down, dangling his junk in front of us, everything from this period blends together like a hazy blur. There are few memories that stand out, but the … Continue reading “My Sister Got a Hole in Her Head on My Watch” Club
I don’t remember almost dying as an infant, but apparently, I did. My mother recounts the story of my Soviet birth ripe with exaggerated old-world details. She describes laboring in a room with nine other women, all of whom took turns pushing their babies out, while an orderly with a thick mustache mopped the floor with dirty water. She witnessed one woman give birth to … Continue reading “Apparently I Almost Died as an Infant” Club
HeartsEverywhere 