Having two children at two different schools in two different states means I’m doing a lot of driving. Living next to the busiest bridge in the country, my many hours in the car is often accompanied by intense traffic and angry, frustrated drivers.

I use my horn often, but not to be a bully, just to communicate. Often, though I’m misunderstood and occasionally even pursued by a vengeful middle finger wielding maniac coasting on road rage. My horn is a like baby’s cry; it’s not just to indicate sadness, it has a whole range of things it needs to be able to convey, but I’ve only got the one-beep!

I’d love a horn modification where there are various sounds available on my steering wheel.

The Hierarchy of Horns

• The slight double beep (like a double click) to say, “the light has changed, please go because the green arrow only lasts 15 seconds and you can check your Facebook later.”

• A longer, albeit still friendly, 5-second beeeeeeeeep when the initial, polite double-beep yields no response.

• A double, 5-second beeeeeeeeep when the previous two notifications have been ignored. There is usually a phone involved which translates to distracted driving and this will often lead to the next honk. 

• A 10-second angry beep is reserved when a driver is doing an illegal maneuver on the road, especially when you see different people replicating this erroneous scheme day after day. This is the “I’m the mayor of the road” attitude because this horn is to indicate, “Hey Shithead, I’m sick and tired of assholes cutting me off on the line every day.”

• A 15-second alert horn when someone is about to plow into you. Also, can be used for anyone texting and driving.

• An emergency signal, in a different decibel, reserved for when you see someone falling asleep on the road.