My husband’s first girlfriend stalked my LinkedIn profile. I know this because technological breadcrumbs revealed her messy trail. LinkedIn sends me periodic messages showing me everyone who’s checking out my page and when I looked down at the recent dirty dozen, a name caught my eye. I approached my husband, pointed to her pictures and said, “Is this YOUR Carrie?”
He squinted at the small headshot. Her hair was short, straight and blonde, dramatically different from the long, brown curly hair he remembered. “It’s been 25 years, but I think that’s her face.”
My immediate reaction was to laugh but within seconds the familiar hot feeling was traveling from my feet to my throat and my palms were sweating as if I was on top of the George Washington Bridge. Why was I reacting this way? I’m still not sure. Even though she was his first girlfriend, she was not his first fuck; she was a teenager with her own insecurities and like many lovelorn girls, had a hard time breaking up.
It’s taken her a quarter century to search for the closure she still clearly doesn’t have. The last time she emailed my husband was in 2013 when our daughter was three years old and our son was 11. In this brief email, she tried to apologize for leaving a sour taste in his mouth about their relationship.
Now it was three years later and her curiosity has been piqued again. She thought she could sneak an invisible peek on LinkedIn, but she was busted and now she seems like a stalker. I’m not sure why she feels compelled to keep dipping back into our life.
What does she want to know about me? How am I reflective of her? What do I have that she doesn’t (HIM)? More often I wonder, how much of her did he see in me? How much did she permanently imprint on him or on his relationships?
I won’t let her be a fissure in our relationship (even though I’ve used her name jokingly every day since). My instinct was to send her a message. When I clicked on “send mail” under her name, LinkedIn indicated I needed her to be a connection first. So I clicked, “Connect.” A few seconds later I clicked around until I found the more appropriate, logical button: “Block.”
The incident got me thinking. Why did it really bother me? This was over half his lifetime ago. He married ME! But it’s not just this one ex-girlfriend; there are dozens from his past which haunt me. Images I’ve seen (accidentally or deliberately), stories he [over]shared, poems he’d written for them (75 for one girl alone). Of what am I really jealous? What internal insecurities do these distant memories trigger?
Usually, I brush it off as being overly emotional and irrational but sometimes I’m honest with my feelings and I dig deep to discover what demons got unleashed and it’s not always pretty. I’m envious of the youthful love, of the intense passion, of the unwavering, irresponsible romance. I want to be the one who branded his heart with my soul, not the one who does his laundry and shares responsibilities for our kids’ lunches. I want to be a part of a frenzied flame burning bright inside him, consuming him inside out, not the one who annoyingly asks him to take the trash out day after day. I want to be a beacon of feminine perfection by which all future loves will be measured, and instead, I’ll always think I was the smart choice, the logical move.
I don’t doubt he loves me; he tells me a dozen times a day. I guess I’ll spend forever knowing I may not be the first or the most ferocious, but I’m the one who got him to say, “I do.”
HeartsEverywhere 
“technological breadcrumbs revealed her messy trail” …this is the downfall and the brilliance of social media.
Amazing, raw writing. You say things people only a fraction of people has enough balls as you, maybe we wound be in a better place.
Keep writing, keep sharing your amazing stories. We are reading and listening.
I think just because she is curious doesn’t necessarily mean she’s stalking or being especially creepy. I mean… I don’t know the woman, so who knows… But a lot of people hold nostalgia for their first loves and/or high school friends and it may have just been a random thinking about old times and curious what is up in his life – which by extension includes you obviously.
If you got several views from her in a short period, and/or her attempting to make contact with you then that would be more concerning.
And yes, he married you… Don’t worry yourself over what hang ups she might possible have. If she is still clinging desperately to his memory or whatever then that is her issue to work through – as long as she is not out right stalking/actually acting crazy I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
Thank you so much! I love the raw writing; comes easiest to me. Andrew hated the last two paragraphs! He was so sad. “How can you not see you are beyond them all? I love you more than any of them combined …” And yet somehow the pictures lurk in the closet and I imagine his impeccable memory provides quite the “reel.” Also I’m fucking crazy too. The end.
You’re totally right and I am also a bit crazy. The part of the story that I didn’t include, because it was so long, was all of the other times she attempted to reach out. She periodically would call my husband and leave him some crazy messages on his machine. She also used to have other people call and say things like, “I think you know a mutual friend of ours.” There are many creepy stories like that, including one where my husband met a stranger who knew of her, and said “I know who you are. You’re all she talks about.” This was about 10 years after they broke up. She never got married or had any kids. Also I’m pretty sure she’s reading this right now.
Wow, yes definitely sounds like you have reason for concern then!
If it’s anything like me- there’s a few ex-boyfriends who I would like to know they are still living and preferably doing well. It’s no desire to get back with them or anything like that- it’s just that they were a part of my life for X amount of years, and I don’t hate them.
You know- just a yearly “Hey- you’re not dead!” kind of thing.
And then there are the ones I CAN’T contact. I don’t hate them, either. But I know if I do contact them- they will get the wrong impression and try to make it more than it is. I don’t want to even start that kind of drama, so I don’t even go looking for them.
And then there’s the one. The one who if I NEVER see him/talk to him/hear his name in hushed tones- I’ll be ECSTATIC. Over the moon, even. I occasionally search for this one on the internet. But I have absolutely no desire to re-connect. EVER I’m basically just hoping he goes to jail for something. I know that’s bad to say, but it’s how I feel. I don’t wish him dead, but I wouldn’t say no to him getting a nice stint in prison…