“I Ghosted a Friendship” Club

My best friend ghosted our friendship and our life is one of the unsettled rocks I carry in my heart. How can someone who was so close to me for so long just up and vanish?  But I’ve done it too. Not as dramatically, but it’s easier to be the one doing the breaking up than the one getting broken up with. The friend I ghosted … Continue reading “I Ghosted a Friendship” Club

“My Best Friend Ghosted our Friendship” Club

In my life, I’ve only had two people really close to me die: my grandfather two years ago and my aunt last week, but I mourn the loss of three. The third one is my best friend from high school and college. She ghosted our friendship and I can confirm it is easier to be the ghost than the ghosted. I’ve done both. My best … Continue reading “My Best Friend Ghosted our Friendship” Club

“Fell in Love” Club

I have several friends going through a divorce and several others floating in murky marriages. I’ve swum through these familiar rivers and felt like I was drowning but have definitely emerged less cynical and more hopeful, lucky to have found love (THE REAL DEAL) the second time around and witnessing the collapse of other marriages, I am grateful for second chances. Marriage has peaks and … Continue reading “Fell in Love” Club

“Bring Your Wife to Work” Club

There are several days a year when I ask my husband to play “Bring your wife to work day.” Some days I do it out of convenience and other days I do it because I need a reminder about what matters most. On these days, I go to work with him as a hospital clown, where I will suspend reality for an hour and jump … Continue reading “Bring Your Wife to Work” Club

“Forever Daddy’s Girl” Club

My father helped me tile my bathroom walls today. (Correction: I helped my father tile my bathroom walls.) We worked in harmony, united on the task at hand and when he said, “Give me that thing over there,” I knew which thing he meant because I would anticipate his moves. I can’t recall the last time my dad and I had one-on-one time – hours … Continue reading “Forever Daddy’s Girl” Club

“My Husband’s First Girlfriend Stalked Me” Club

My husband’s first girlfriend stalked my LinkedIn profile. I know this because technological breadcrumbs revealed her messy trail. LinkedIn sends me periodic messages showing me everyone who’s checking out my page and when I looked down at the recent dirty dozen, a name caught my eye. I approached my husband, pointed to her pictures and said, “Is this YOUR Carrie?” He squinted at the small … Continue reading “My Husband’s First Girlfriend Stalked Me” Club

“Pondulating the Origins of Sex” Club

My husband and I recently got into a funny conversation the other day which keeps rearing its strange and perverted head. This discussion evolved from trying to decipher if sexual idiosyncrasies and preferences among men (or women) come instinctively or are learned from social cues, media or watching porn. For instance, where did men learn ejaculating all over a woman’s face is titillating and something … Continue reading “Pondulating the Origins of Sex” Club

“Unofficial Love Therapist” Club

Throughout my life, I’ve found myself stepping into a therapist or doctor role to my friends and family. I’ve always asked lots of questions and am genuinely interested in people’s lives and experiences. Lucky for me, people inherently want to talk about themselves. I am open about my private life so historically others feel comfortable confiding in me. As a child, adults never censored themselves … Continue reading “Unofficial Love Therapist” Club

“Butt Dialed” Club

I only ever once had a butt dial disaster, because that’s as many times as it takes to teach you the ultimate lesson. Post butt dial disaster, I am perpetually paranoid my phone stays locked. The butt dial story was epic with eternal consequences. My mother-in-law was in town for my daughter’s second birthday party. Since our daughter’s birth, there had been a lot pent … Continue reading “Butt Dialed” Club

When the Workers Hit on Me” Club”

When my apartment got flooded a few weeks ago on an early Tuesday morning, a group of workers showed up from a cleaning and restoration company. I hadn’t even known of this kind of company existed since this was my first foray into the “Flooded Club.” My reaction to the flood was denial (“this isn’t so bad”), delusion (“I can blot this with paper towels … Continue reading When the Workers Hit on Me” Club”

“Divorce Welcoming Committee” Club

When I was getting divorced, no one told me, “Congratulations!” or “Good job!” Instead, they frowned, rubbed my shoulders and wanted to cry. Only, I was euphoric; I was liberated from my controlling husband and it wasn’t easy taking the final steps to leave. Getting divorced takes courage and strength and whether you’re the initiator or the receiver, you’re both victims who feel like the … Continue reading “Divorce Welcoming Committee” Club

“Don’t Look at Someone Else’s Plate” Club

“Don’t look at someone else’s plate” is either a known Russian saying or else it’s particular to my mother. Usually, she said this during dinner when I made inappropriate commentary about how someone eats something. My six-year-old daughter learned a similar phrase in preschool: “don’t yuck my yum.” The phrase goes beyond saying “ick” as someone eats a three-meat sandwich; it’s staring into someone else’s … Continue reading “Don’t Look at Someone Else’s Plate” Club

“Co-Parenting” Club

“I would never be able to do that,” she says to me and shakes her head insistently. “There is no way I would give up my child for half the week. I cannot live without her. I would rather exist in my sexless, loveless marriage fueled by anger and resentment than give up my child. What kind of mother does that?!” “Well, me, actually,” I … Continue reading “Co-Parenting” Club

“I Didn’t Like Poetry” Club

I don’t like poetry. Strike that; I didn’t like poetry. My tastes have evolved (or matured) and similarly to how I can now tolerate spicier kimchee, I can now appreciate poetry without zoning out, rolling my eyes, and declaring it pretentious [READ: me, insecure]. The first poetry I learned was formulaic, haikus and such, taught in grade school. The writing process for a poem felt … Continue reading “I Didn’t Like Poetry” Club

“I’m a Divorce Inspiration” Club

I’ve never thought of myself as a trailblazer for anything (see Late Bloomer Club) but lately my small group of friends has me feeling like a pseudo-expert on divorce and co-parenting. With  four friends in various stages of marriage collapse, I find myself serving as a circumstantial beacon of inspiration; an unelected trendsetter in marriage disillusionment. I was married in 2001 and separated in April … Continue reading “I’m a Divorce Inspiration” Club

“I Caught My Father in an Affair” Club

My favorite way to eat eggs is sunny side up. I take pride in frying them into two impeccable gold domes, the whites congealed perfectly beyond the mucous texture. When I dunk dry toast into warm yolk, a satisfaction spills over me; this is my comfort food. I have been making myself eggs this way for thirty years, and every single time I crack a … Continue reading “I Caught My Father in an Affair” Club

“Learning to Ask” Club

Can you please take out the trash? Can you please empty the dishwasher? Easy requests for most; not so for me. I have always had a hard time asking for things, having grown up being self-sufficient and self-reliant. Both my parents proudly claimed they “never had to ask for anything for anyone,” and I have mimicked their behaviors. Only life has often pounded me over … Continue reading “Learning to Ask” Club

“It’s My Birthday” Club

It’s my birthday and I’m another year older and like every year before this one, I woke up exactly the same. It’s a sensation which didn’t change with age; the feeling of waking up on your birthday to absolutely nothing extraordinary. As a child I was convinced if I concentrated hard enough, I’d feel something; taller or heavier or smarter or wiser, but year after … Continue reading “It’s My Birthday” Club

“I Love Ikea” Club

The Ikea catalog came in the mail today and there’s not another catalog which elicits such a thrill. (Perhaps children feel this way about the Toys R Us holiday catalog.) I sit on the couch, my legs folded underneath me, with a stack of post-its and my coveted furniture catalog. I flip slowly and deliberately, giving each page elevator eyes, and studying the meticulously designed … Continue reading “I Love Ikea” Club

“My Divorced Parents’ Wedding Song Still Makes Me Cry” Club

My parent’s wedding song was the Theme to Love Story. To this day, the iconic melancholy melody punches me in the gut, squeezes my heart, and puts a lump in my throat – and it’s not because of a nostalgic longing for my parents loving marriage. They divorced after 25 years together; ten years beyond their expiration date, by which point the stench was enough … Continue reading “My Divorced Parents’ Wedding Song Still Makes Me Cry” Club

“My Husband and I Like to Travel Differently” Club

My husband has always been happy to stay at a Motel 8. He wasn’t particular about which hotel I picked as long as it was affordable and didn’t have bed bugs. I, on the other hand, while not exactly a Prima Donna, confess to being a touch of the Princess and the Pea. (Or more like the Russian Girl and a Breadcrumb.) I like to … Continue reading “My Husband and I Like to Travel Differently” Club

“I Don’t Stare at the Clouds” Club

I don’t stare at the clouds; I never have. I never bothered to remember the names for the different types of clouds just like I never cared about the scientific names of the stages of the moon. I remember as a child being told to look at the clouds and watch the shapes come alive. I would have done better with a “Where’s Waldo” in … Continue reading “I Don’t Stare at the Clouds” Club

“Late Bloomer” Club

I’ve notoriously been a late bloomer to many things in life; I’m hoping “writing success” becomes another item on the “Late Bloomer list” and one day my kids will read this list as encouragement. I have a goal of making it onto one of those lists of people who weren’t successful until their 40s, like Stan Lee and Vera Wang and Julia Child and Henry Ford, … Continue reading “Late Bloomer” Club

“My Sister Lives Far Away” Club

My sister lives far away which means much of our communication is done via text, phone, and FaceTime versus hugs, coffee, and couch cuddles in real life. Our proximity, like most relationships, has ebbed and flowed with the waves of life. We lived together for the first 12 years of her life but after I moved out to go to college, I never came back. … Continue reading “My Sister Lives Far Away” Club

“Living with a Collector” Club

My husband is a collector, which he is quick to point out, is very different from a hoarder. I, on the contrary, have spent my life abiding by the motto, “clutter in your house is clutter in your life.” According to my husband, clutter is not a black and white issue, there are gradients of clutter, just like there are variations of shades of gray. … Continue reading “Living with a Collector” Club

“I Don’t Selfie Stick” Club

Rushing through Times Square a few weeks ago, a promotional van for Zoolander 2 caught my eye. They were taking photos and printing them onto froth foam, creating headshot-worthy lattes and as if free java with your face on it isn’t enough, they gave me a bonus selfie stick! I have made fun of the ridiculous looking tool ever since they invaded my Wall Street … Continue reading “I Don’t Selfie Stick” Club

“I’m a MILF” Club – Part 2

I earned a special set of MILF stripes a few days later, doing laundry on the 7th floor (I use more than one floor), I run into Matthew’s father. Tall and jovial like his sun, he is eager to chat as I’m carrying my laundry up one floor and when we both get off at 7th, me to use the machines, him to go home, … Continue reading “I’m a MILF” Club – Part 2

“I’m a MILF” Club – Part 1

It’s funny to think we’ll be eternally grateful for the American Pie movie series for introducing the term, MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) into the mainstream lexicon. I’m not being presumptuous by declaring myself a member because it’s clearly up to another person to declare you a MILF, the criteria being someone else has to want to fuck you. Lucky for me, I was … Continue reading “I’m a MILF” Club – Part 1

“Facebook Memories Plague Me” Club

I manage two Facebook accounts; one is my personal page, the other, my husband’s clown business. On most days, on both accounts, Facebook dutifully greets me with this message: “Galina, we care about you and the memories you share here. We thought you’d like to look back on this post from 1 year ago.” (Or 9 years ago.)” I love a good time hop as … Continue reading “Facebook Memories Plague Me” Club

“My Boyfriend’s Friends Hit on Me” Club

I’m not generalizing, (I kind of am), but I can bet that at some point if you ever had a boyfriend, and he ever had friends, the likelihood that said friends would hit on you is very high. Like probably. Probably definitely. Most of the time it is completely harmless and can even be flattering, am I right ladies? A boyfriend’s friend hits on you … Continue reading “My Boyfriend’s Friends Hit on Me” Club

“I Don’t Do Returns” Club

For our wedding ceremony last year my husband and used e.e. cummings’ poem, “i carry your heart with me” as our vows. My husband is a poetry lover and I am still working on its appreciation, even though I’ve tried for three decades. The truth is I agreed to this poem because I really heard it in the movie, In Her Shoes with Cameron Diaz … Continue reading “I Don’t Do Returns” Club

“Cheater” Club

I strongly believe I inherited the cheating gene from my dad. I have used this excuse more than once when I should have just taken accountability for fucking up royally. Cheating, in the cardinal hierarchy of human behavior, is considered a bad thing. I’m talking infidelity cheating, specifically, although tax abatement and stealing the SATs are two other examples. A lot of hype surrounded Beyonce’s … Continue reading “Cheater” Club

“Understanding Intention” Club

When my teenager snaps back at me, I know it wasn’t his intention to slap me with his words, so I forgive him. When my husband is late time and time again or when he walks away without telling me where he’s going even though I’ve asked him to communicate for 11 years, I know it wasn’t his intention to say, “Fuck you” with his … Continue reading “Understanding Intention” Club

“I Have Spring Fever” Club – 100 Word Story

I woke up with spring fever. My eyes stung from the orange sun creating a spotlight on my face; my ears tuned into the inaugural bird symphonies of the season. My sun-deprived body was tugged by an invisible magnet outdoors. I held my husband’s hand as we hiked up rocky terrain hovering over the shallow red-sand beaches; the famous bridge in the distant haze. We … Continue reading “I Have Spring Fever” Club – 100 Word Story

“Wearing the Engagement Ring Without the Wedding Band” Club

While doing some heavy cleaning, I put my diamond engagement ring and simple wedding band on my ring holder. Later in the evening I noticed my naked finger and asked my husband to retrieve my rings from the bedroom. He brought the sparkly round diamond ring, surrounded by a halo of small diamonds, and mimicking a proposal, he asked me to marry him as he … Continue reading “Wearing the Engagement Ring Without the Wedding Band” Club

“I’m a Reluctant Artist” Club

The day I met my husband just over 11 years ago he was working his “day job” as a professional clown. I was a young mother taking my son to his first Manhattan birthday party. Our how we met story is awesome, as anyone who is lingering in the happily ever after part, would say. We left the party together and the first question I … Continue reading “I’m a Reluctant Artist” Club

“I Played Hookie With My Hubby” Club

The app DubSmash allows you to record yourself lip-synching to any piece of audio – song or movie clip. Within two days of download, I was entertained for hours and completely addicted. But beyond me, I knew my husband would LOVE this; he’s a professionally-trained actor. It would be like asking a baseball player if he wanted to go to the batting cage. This morning … Continue reading “I Played Hookie With My Hubby” Club

“I Don’t Have a Dream” Club

The Mamas & the Papas sang about it. So did Aerosmith. Dream a little dream of me. Dream on. In modern America, #LiveYourDream is on billboards, shopping bags, t-shirts, mugs, and in combinations of status updates, tweets, and Instagram memes. A blinking mantra of our time; we love to share quotes and we love for them to be inspiring, but how often do we practice … Continue reading “I Don’t Have a Dream” Club